by Tim May
Back in the ’90s, a lot of magazines sent out VHS tapes with video stories on them to their subscribers as a “bonus.” The video usually came with a letter, like so:
Entertainment Weekly, the Hollywood gossip rag which masquerades as serious pop culture journalism, sent out the occasional Insider Studio Screenings video, which included trailers for upcoming films with commercials and bumpers with an EW editor.
The editor in this case is Jess Cagle, a man with no screen presence whatsoever. Spouting unfunny “jokes” left and right without stopping to take a breath, Cagle has no comedic timing. You can see what I mean in the video below.
“For more information on these movies, keep thumbing through Entertainment Weekly magazine, a subscription to which would make a very nice holiday gift for a loved one or even for some one you don’t love. In fact, maybe you should just give one to everybody you know, and then I’ll get a bigger apartment, thank you.”
How is this funny in the slightest?
These two tapes focus on the 1998 and 1999 Holiday movie seasons. Here are some of the trailers included.
Home Fries (Dean Parisot; 1998)
This trailer reeks of the late ’90s, from the use of Smash Mouth’s “Walking on the Sun” to the terrible title font. You’ve got Luke Wilson (and his friend who seems be doing an impression of Owen Wilson in Bottle Rocket—right down to the haircut) pining after a pregnant Drew Barrymore at a fast foot restaurant. This looks like a pretty typical romantic comedy, which would be disappointing, considering it’s written by Vince Gilligan, writer of many classic X-Files episodes, including “Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space.’”
Stepmom (Chris Columbus; 1998)
Movies like this make me fucking sick. Manipulative trash, Stepmom takes the “cute kid” shtick from Jerry Maguire (the one terrible aspect of that otherwise respectable picture) and some super serious terminal illness subplot to try to strike Oscar gold. Oh, and god forbid a twelve-year-old go to a Pearl Jam concert! She might kill herself like the kid in the one song. Chris Columbus started out making half-way decent John Hughes rip-offs like Adventures in Babysitting, but eventually decided he was a “serious” filmmaker and made a bunch of overly sentimental pieces of shit like this one.
Jack Frost (Troy Miller; 1998)
This isn’t the horror film Jack Frost, but it is far more terrifying. What the fuck happened to Batman? This features new music from Hanson, so make sure you keep an eye out for the soundtrack!
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo (Mike Mitchell; 1999)
“Duece Bigalow was a professional fish tank cleaner, who never got any respect.” Maybe that’s because he’s Rob Schneider.
Bicentennial Man (Chris Columbus; 1999)
Bicentennial Man is the second Chris Columbus film on these tapes, and it really shows what a terrible fucking hack he is. One of those Robin Williams tearjerkers that were so prevalent in this period (the abomination Patch Adams is also featured on one of these tapes), it follows a robot that looks less like a robot than even the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. Adapted from an Isaac Asimov story, Columbus surely took anything interesting out of the text and replaced it with cheesy sentimentality, all while Robin Williams mugs to the camera and embarrasses himself.