Out of the over 400 new movies Dan’s gotten since the last update, he has narrowed it down to this. These are some of the best, coolest, and rarest VHS you’ll ever see! Do not miss out on this video, it is probably our best one yet. Please comment, like, and favorite the video on YouTube.

Hey everyone! I am going to be on the podcast Pieces tonight at 5 p.m. Eastern. It’s going to be great fun so everyone make sure you check it out. We’ll be talking VHS, horror movies, VHShitfest and the upcoming documentary. You can listen to it live, or you can download it later. Spread the word and make sure to listen. Thanks.

Link to the episode: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/creep_show_radio/2012/02/15/pieces

- Dan

no!! i really need that! i am going to delete this later so if you want to respond please leave your email.

- dan

by Tim May

Welcome to Camelot Studios weekend! This interesting Michigan based studio released six movies in the mid-to-late eighties including The Earhunter (1985), Black River Magic (1985), The Black River Horse Capades (year unknown), and The Hackers (1988). The company still exists, though they no longer produce features; these days, they prefer to focus on commercials and industrial videos. Later this weekend, Dan will review The Hackers, but let’s start things off with the bizarre shot on video kids’ movie, Black River Monster.

Now, Black River Monster is most definitely the rarest movie we’ve ever reviewed. It had one of the smallest print runs of any of the Camelot releases, it has no IMDb page, and there are no other reviews anywhere on the internet. What makes it even more of an oddity is its affiliation with the Black River Farm and Ranch, a summer camp for girls based in Croswell, Michigan. It’s about halfway between a movie and a promotional video for the camp.

As the movie begins, one of the campers is scared off by a “monster,” who looks like your average sasquatch/big foot/skunkape. She runs off to get “Mr. D,” presumably the owner of the ranch (in the movie, and probably in real life, at least at the time the movie was made), to look into it for her. Of course, there’s no sign of the monster, but he did leave a giant footprint in the barn.

Despite being called Black River Monster, this movie is really about a fat guy named Leroy who lives with his mother (who looks exactly like him). Leroy’s mom is sick of his lazing about, so she gets him a summer job at the Black River Ranch. Now, Leroy is a miserable asshole who can’t accept this kindness. He just wishes he could “get something more in his line of work,” which seems to be eating a lot of Little Debbie’s.

Leroy is too fat and lazy to walk to the ranch, so he hitchhikes. He’s picked up by a couple of ridiculous creatures literally named Louie and Sleaze.

These guys make him sit in the bed of their pick-up truck and drive so fast he tumbles around for the whole ride. Watch the clip below and tell me you can’t hear the Dukes of Hazard theme kick in as soon as they hit the gas pedal.

Black River Monster is all over the place, tonally. It often feels like a kids’ movie, but then it goes and makes a bunch of mean-spirited fat jokes about Leroy. Even the kindly Mr. D berates Leroy for being lazy and for sleeping on the job. I thought this was mean at first, but Leroy is constantly complaining about everything. Just do your job, fatass. You’re not an air traffic controller, you’re a ranch hand. Scoop cow shit, motherfucker.

The monster almost always feels like an afterthought until the film’s climax, in which Louie and Sleaze return to try to steal some of the ranch’s horses in order to sell them and make a “quick buck.” Here is where the monster has his greatest moment. He picks Louie and Sleaze up by the throats and chokes them for a full minute. Crime doesn’t pay when the Black River Monster is afoot.

Leroy and Mr. D find Louie and Sleaze passed out in the barn and turn them in to the police. All of the campers (portrayed by actual campers from the summer the movie was shot) rally around Leroy. Sadly, one of these poor little girls was forced to say Leroy was “kinda cute.” Yuck. Anyway, Mr. D gives Leroy the rest of the day off, but asks if he could close the barn door first. Leroy obviously can’t appreciate Mr. D’s kindness and must complain that there’s “always one more thing to do.” You can’t get through life this way, Leroy. Do some work, lose some weight, and avoid a heart attack. When he goes to close the door, the monster appears and Leroy goes running like a little bitch. Credits.

At a brisk 50 minutes, Black River Monster is light, stupid fun. You can buy a DVD copy directly from Camelot Studios at their website. Camelot still produces promotional videos for Black River Farm and Ranch, but this obscurity is a charming time capsule for an incredibly specific and elite group (campers and councilors who were at the ranch the summer the movie was made). Basically, it’s an elaborate yearbook with a lot of fat jokes and a dopey ape costume.

Most of the images in this review were provided by our boy, Grant Cornelison.

By Dan Kinem



Anyone who’s read any of my reviews knows there’s nothing better than a slasher, except for a slasher that was shat-on-hideo that is. The Hackers is one of the rarest of its kind and is likely on most horror fans’ wishlists, if they’ve heard of it. The second I saw the cover I knew I must own this movie, no matter what it took. Thankfully, the hype I built around this was actually met and the movie is a hilarious time capsule of late 80s Michigan that I’m happy to be able to watch and laugh at (and occasionally with)!



The first 20 minutes or so is honestly a gift from God. It opens with a hitchhiker (Dave Duncan) sticking his thumb out for a ride and it getting sliced off by a knife from an oncoming track… The Hackers repair truck to be exact! The rockin’ theme song, “The Hackers,” kicks right in as you’re introduced to The Hackers Family. You get “Pa” Hacker, the leader of the clan, who is a ridiculous, borderline narcoleptic, 80-year-old man who’s always disgruntled, there’s also Arnie, who “never did grow right” (whatever that means), and finally, the Leatherface of the family, Junior, who bit his tongue off and got chewed up by a chainsaw when he was younger, so now he wears fake, 25 cent novelty teeth and half a tin foil mask.



They spend their time doing odd jobs around town, killing people for fun, and playing on the jungle gym. If someone has a problem with the shoddy job they did on their roof, The Hackers just take a machete and kill the mother fucker. It’s absurd these guys could still be in business since they murder all their customers without getting paid. How do they not get caught? “Pa” even lets Junior and Arnie play around in the daylight at a local park, just minutes after they slit some random punk chick’s throat. It’s pure hilarity to see these two freaks running around with little children, climbing the monkey bars and sliding down slides.



After the glorious playground scene the movie does begin to drag. There are long stretches where literally nothing happens. Characters just walk around mumbling nonsense to themselves. You do get a priceless death scene where a man screams in pain and they use sound effects of a baby crying, but beyond that, the movie doesn’t pick up till the last 25 minutes, where it turns into Straw Dogs. The Hackers begin work on a woman’s house (who would hire them I don’t know) and they harass her and watch her shower. All I could notice is how she didn’t get naked and how her hair is more feathered than a fucking chicken (see cover). She eventually has to make a run for it or else she’d probably get raped by Junior.



She’s chased by the lead characters and has to fight them off one by one. She finally kills them, steals their truck, and is driving away when Junior jumps out of the back and grabs her. It would have been an incredibly dark ending till you find out IT WAS ALL A DREAM and she wakes up!



The movie sticks out above many late 80s slashers because you can feel the sense of community and you honestly feel like everyone, from the housewives to the local drunkards, helped out. It’s great to know that everyone in the town of Croswell, Michigan thought this low budget horror movie was worth working on. Not to mention, none of the people even feel like they’re acting (whether that’s a good thing or not I can’t decide), especially “Pa,” played by Howard Coburn. He really makes the movie, with his constant crotchety attitude and violent behavior. It’s a pleasure to watch the man go from chopping a dude’s shoulder with a machete to reminiscing about his love of boats to taking five naps an hour. I’m sure you’re napping in Heaven, Howie. Thank you.

The Hackers was always on my list of movies I must find. I never thought it would be possible because whenever this bad boy popped up, which was very rarely, it would sell for around the $100 mark. Then the day came where I said “fuck it,” I’m going to win this tape no matter what it takes. I was sick of not owning it and wondering when the next time the damn thing would pop up. So I bid hard. Hard as fuck. I went all out and now I can proudly say it’s mine. Apparently only 3,000 copies were sold back in the late 80s (which can only be assumed is inflated to make it seem more impressive), which makes this a really hard one to come by. It was the sixth release by Camelot Studios, a company that is still around today. They specialized in releasing various shot-on-video projects in the mid-to-late 80s with movies like The Earhunter, Black River Magic, and Black River Monster. I cannot stress enough, if you have the ability to get this tape, do it, because it’s a hard beast to obtain but well worth it. Anyone who appreciates movies like 555, Cannibal Campout, and Sledgehammer will love this film to death. I do wish it would have taken a cue from Black River Monster and only been an hour long, but at 80 minutes it never completely overstays its welcome or gets boring. Overall, it’s a joy to watch and you can buy DVD-R copies and posters (!) straight from Camelot Studios here.

By Dan Kinem

To round out our Camelot Studios weekend, we have an interview with Dave Duncan! Dave has been working in film since the mid-80s on such cult films as The Hackers and Black River Monster. He is also the current owner of Camelot Studios, who distributed VHS in the 1980s, and the former owner of two video stores. VHShitfest is proud to have the first interview with Dave about these films and hopefully it sheds some light on this very obscure part of film/VHS history.



How did you get involved in filmmaking?

My father and I had a recording studio when I was a teen in the 70s, and when the early video cameras came out we purchased two and started offering video services along with audio recording. Our first feature was called The Earhunter. It was written by my uncle and shot in 1984. The story was a western about a bounty hunter who would collect the ears of villains as trophies. It was an experiment to see if we could do it. I shot it with a single tube video camera and edited it, the final product was just released to the cast and crew. It was a great learning experience for me. Also, about that time we opened our own video rental store.

Can you talk about Black River Magic and Black River Monster? What did you do on those movies?

One of our clients had a girls’ summer horse ranch and we filmed shows there every other week during the summer. Business was slow and my father pitched the idea of making features to the camp owner. He liked the idea and we first made Black River Magic. This was written and directed by a college professor from Ohio. Black River Magic was funded by the ranch and so we were able to add a sound man to our crew. The film turned out to be more of a promo for the ranch and didnʼt have a strong enough storyline. Our crew consisted of myself on camera, a sound man, grip, my father and the director. The following winter my father wrote The Black River Monster and the ranch decided to help us produce it. My father had written the story with a certain local theatre talent in mind. With a small budget to cover costs, the Black River Monster was made in 1986.


First picture of Black River Magic on the internet

Any stories you remember?

The owner of the ranch had a large role in The Black River Monster and he was a fantastic person, but was not easy to film. Anytime you did more than two takes you could feel the tensions rising. In our subsequent project, The Hackers, Arnie gets his finger cut off by a saw. He actually had a finger missing due to working a punch press in a factory so we just worked it in. There were a lot more scenes we had written and planned but we ran out of time and money.

How were those films distributed? Did they get sold to video stores or stay locally?

The Black River Ranch distributed Black River Magic. The Hackers and Black River Monster we attempted to distribute ourselves through smaller distributors.

How did The Hackers come about and how was the transition from kids movies to a violent slasher movie?

I was a horror movie fan. My favorites were Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Mother’s Day, and Dawn of the Dead. I noticed that you didnʼt need a name actor to have people rent this type of movie, and there was a core group who would rent every horror movie you had in the store. At this time we had two rental stores. So I talked with my father and we decided to make The Hackers. My father wrote the script that winter and we held casting at the studio. We shot The Hackers over a few months working it in between industrial video projects. My father wanted to work as many local landmarks in as possible to help sell the success of the movie locally.

Also, what was your role on the film?

I had a small acting role at the start of the movie. Iʼm the hitchhiker who gets his thumb cut off on the roadway. I was also the cameraman, editor and music producer.


Dave Duncan in The Hackers

How did you go about getting the movie released on video?

Having two rental stores we got to know some of the smaller distributors and they took them on.

Was it strictly direct-to-video or did it play in any theaters?

Direct to video.

How many copies of the movie were produced and how did you go about selling it to video stores?

The small distributors took on The Hackers and we sold some of the BR Monster along with it. All the local rental stores wanted The Hackers. We ended up selling a few thousand copies through a couple of the small distributors in the West, I believe out of Arizona. We were contacted by New Line Cinema about The Hackers at the time. They had heard about it and requested a copy be sent to their Detroit office and one of the owners (Mr. Shay) really liked it. They sent it on to their New York office where it was shot down because it was shot on video and not film.



All the early movies you worked on were shot on video, can you talk a little bit about that?

Video was our medium, I would have liked to work in film, but unlike the flexibility found in cameras today, film was too cost prohibitive. The most difficult task was the editing and music sync. We had two sound tracks and actually had to physically mark the audio tape with magic markers trying to line them up using a TEAC A3340 reel to reel. On the edit deck itself there were only 2 tracks of audio.

I’ve heard people from around the area still talking about the movies. Are they still embraced and watched there? Do you still keep in contact with the crew/actors who worked on them?

I have lost contact with most, and several have passed away, but I still have people come up to me when out shooting and ask about it.

Can you talk about what movies were released through Camelot Studios? The only ones that I know about are The Hackers, Black River Monster, Black River Magic?

Were there others? I’ve always been curious to know! Just The Earhunter, which was our first.

EDITOR’S NOTE: It can be assumed that The Earhunter was the first (CAM 1001), then Black River Magic was next (CAM 1002), then Black River Monster (CAM 1003), then the next two are unknown, then last, The Hackers (CAM 1006). Through digging I think they also released a VHS called The Black River Horse Capades after Black River Monster, but I am not 100% sure.

What was it like to run a low budget studio and how did you eventually take over ownership?

After The Hackers our commercial business started picking up and we focused on that. My father retired in 1992 and he was the real push behind independent features. I have always wanted to get back and remake The Hackers with todayʼs tools. Now we have cameras that can shoot candlelight and unlimited audio tracks, the limitations are gone.

Is it weird to find out that movies you worked on have cult followings and copies have sold for nearly $100?

I find it very surprising and flattering. I would get emails over the years from people that had seen the movies and wanted to find copies of them. So in 2010 we converted The Hackers to DVD and made it available on our website. One Canadian gentleman who contacted me made a pilgrimage with his girlfriend of all The Hackers sites filmed. He even located the house in which I grew up in, and was the primary location used in The Hackers movie, and sent me pictures. That was the first time I realized that our movie has a following and I was amazed at the influence it had on some people.



What did you do after The Hackers and what do you do currently?

After The Hackers I focused on the commercial side of the business. We did some work for Chrysler and filmed a daily news program for headline news, Local Edition, for over six and half years. I now produce corporate projects, programs for the C-Span Network, documentaries and TV commercials.

Thanks so much! Is there anything you’d like to promote?

We still have Hackers DVDs and Black River Monster DVDs available on our
website. www.CamelotStudios.net

By Dan Kinem



It’s been way too long since the last sex comedy review, and what better way to kick it off then with the radical, racy, and reckless, Summer School! The whole three R’s thing doesn’t actually work for me. I would much rather go with my own list (which you need to learn, ‘cause there’ll be a test on it), “The Five B’s”… Babes, boobs, butts, bikinis, and beaches! All of which this movie is loaded with.



You know you’re off to a good start when a bunch of teens pull up in a van and go sprinting onto the beach and bust into a free-for-all frisbee match. No holds barred. Teens are diving, ripping off bikini tops in that fun, free-spirited sexual harassment kind of way, and getting mouthfuls of sand in the process. That’s how you know it’s intense. They even cut high school to do it. Our two leads are Steve (John Laughlin’s first role) and Anita (Shelly Horner’s only role). They don’t know each other, but fall in love instantly while at the beach. It’s no surprise why Steve likes her… she has huge boobs. You know who else has boobs, though? Steve’s girlfriend, who doesn’t take kindly to this new bitch’s flirtatious ways. She vows to ruin Anita’s life. And pretty much succeeds.



Now I should get this out of the way. I will never understand the whole 70s van culture, especially after seeing this movie. Correct me if I’m wrong, but, according to this movie, there were gangs of girls who were obsessed with pickup trucks and gangs of guys who were obsessed with vans, and they often would get in violent altercations because of it? This seems highly unlikely and completely ridiculous, which is why I like it so much.

Anita has it really hard, and I mean really, really hard. In her first week at her new job she gets raped by the sleazeball boss because she asks for her check, then Steve’s girlfriend and her friends chase Anita with their van and try to kill her by running her off the road, then she gets home and her dad flips out on her and won’t believe anything she tells him. Don’t worry, it gets worse. Her and Steve are hitting it off, despite the fact Steve still has a girlfriend. They go to a creek to make out and, of course, Steve tries to feel her up. She stops him, but he keeps forcing it. She says she doesn’t want to do it, so he “romantically” throws her into the creek and forces her to have sex.



Steve is as sexist and sleazy as they come. He not only basically forced Anita to have sex with him while he still is dating someone, he also delivered this brilliant exchange of ideas:

Steve: Chicks aren’t supposed to be tough!
Random girl: Why not?!
Steve: ‘Cause guys won’t like ‘em.
Random girl: I get laid once in a while.
Steve: If chicks were supposed to be tough, God would have given them muscles.
Random girl: We got muscles where it counts!

Did the head writer for Hustler magazine pen this movie?!



Steve’s idiotic girlfriend finds out they had sex, so she lies to the cops and says Steve is selling coke. When the cops bust Steve, she blames it on Anita. Instead of asking Anita if it’s true or confronting her, he and all of his friends RAPE HER. They literally have a high speed chase which involves jumping between the vans and pickups and crossing ropes, then they throw Anita to the ground and rip all of her clothes off and rape her.

In school the next day they happen to be discussing rape, which makes all of the people involved start arguing and results in a huge cat fight between Steve’s girlfriend and Anita, which Anita gets blamed and expelled for. Then, the pickup girls decide to have a “drag out” with the guys, which apparently is a tug o’ war between cars across a giant pit. The loser fucking dies. Yeah, this movie got even more fucking insane, but it doesn’t stop there. Anita still has feelings for Steve and in order to stop the rival gangs from killing one another, she drives her fucking car into the pit to commit suicide. Steve runs down there to see if she’s okay and finds out she’s still barely alive. Everyone jumps in the air because she is still breathing, and the movie ends. Yep, you heard me right. This is one of the most insane and fucked-up movies I’ve ever seen. I could not believe my eyes when I saw this suicide attempt or when I found out Anita still liked Steve after he raped her twice and almost killed all of her friends. I applaud this movie for being so ridiculous and highly recommend it to anyone into cult/exploitation cinema.



Summer School is also known as Mag Wheels (terrible title), and was the last movie from one of my favorite directors, Bethel Buckalew, and with a name like that it’s no surprise he got his start in the 70s directing hixploitation sex comedies like Midnight Plowboy, Country Cuzzins, and The Pigkeeper’s Daughter. In all of his movies he comes across as one of the most misogynistic, sexist, sleazeballs ever, but damn does he make entertaining films.

The movie is actually fairly rare on VHS and hard to come by. It was released in a big box through Active Home Video and has that fantastic cover art. Active tried to promote this like a straight-up hilarious comedy and even compared it to Porky’s and Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This movie is nothing like either of those. It’s in a category all by itself and honestly no one should try to compare it to anything. The movie was released on DVD in a Drive-In Grindhouse four-movie pack, with The Farmer’s Other Daughter, Psychedelic Fever, and Up Yours. I’d go with this VHS, though, because you not only get the great cover, you also get an excellent trailer reel from Active (linked at the bottom).

This movie literally has everything: rape, car chases, an original rock soundtrack by the band The Word, a nerdy pledge who gets paddled, pinball, skateboarding, and of course, The Five B’s. What were those again? You were supposed to fucking learn them! Babes, boobs, butts, bikinis, and beaches! What’s so hard to understand?! Go see this movie.

(The trailer features some great nudity!)

by Tim May

If you’d like to be an amateur sociologist through the observation of popular children’s entertainment, the ‘80s was a time when kids craved adventure (The Goonies) and maturity (Stand by Me). By the ‘90s, crack and AIDS had ravaged the children of America, leaving only one desire: lots of fucking money.  Films like Blank Check celebrated the joys of unchecked laissez-faire capitalism and helped create the most materialistic generation our country had ever seen.  This string of wish-fulfillment fantasies inspired an odd sub-genre focusing on the president’s children, including the Sinbad vehicle First Kid and the Disney Channel original classic My Date With the President’s Daughter. I’m not sure why kids wanted to be the child of the leader of the free world (or to fuck them, in some cases), but the strangest film in this tradition is the 1996 obscurity My Uncle: the Alien (yes, that’s a colon).

Kelly Sullivan is the president’s daughter, a rich girl whose guilt gives her the desire to slum it by making friends with street urchins at a Los Angeles children’s shelter, which is in danger of being shut down due to government budget cuts. When Kelly and the first lady visit the shelter, she talks to reporters about her “uncle” from “outer space.” Oh, yeah, Kelly’s uncle is E.T.’s unborn baby.

Before we get to the rest of the film, let it be known: this movie, despite its title and the hideous cover you can see up there, is not about the president’s daughter and her wacky prunefaced uncle from Alpha Centauri. It’s a boring Hollywood formula in which a couple of boring crooks (played by a couple of boring guys who were probably in the same boring Van Halen tribute band, albeit at different times- one David Lee Roth and one Gary Cherone [!]) kidnap Kelly and a boring “street smart” kid named Zig and demand a boring one million dollar ransom.

The kids have no personality and the crooks are yet another poor man’s version of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in Home Alone, and the story plays out like every other fucking kidnapping story ever does. The two bozos lock the kids up in a wax museum (featuring the Star Trek bridge and Superman’s Fortress of Solitude), a potentially interesting setting that is wasted. The whole time, Kelly’s “uncle” is lurking around not doing shit.  He just lets his “niece” and her “friend” go through hell right in front of him.

When Uncle finally does intervene, it’s in one of the lamest deus ex machine-ish way ever. He teleports a van containing the two bad guys and the kids back to the wax museum in the middle of a police chase. This scares the crooks straight, apparently. Uncle proceeds to explain that Kelly had to learn to be self-reliant, hence his hesitance to help her out throughout here KIDNAPPING ordeal. When Kelly explains her situation to him, he simply replies, “Yeah,  I know” over and over again in a voice that sounds like a female version of Watto the junk dealer from the Star Wars prequels.

After assuring Kelly her kidnappers will be brought to justice (“They’re going to jail, ehhhh”), Uncle tells her he can never see her again and that she must take care of herself from now on.

Throughout My Uncle: the Alien, Kelly complains that her father cares more about the country than her and that he’s a neglectful and unloving parent, even though he’s using every resource available to find her and bring her home safely. Meanwhile, she idolizes her dried turd of an uncle, who would rather let her “take care of herself” in a life and death situation. Stupid bitch.

The whole movie is on YouTube, starting above. The VHS was released through PM Entertainment Group, which is familiar to anyone who collects VHS as possibly the sleaziest company to ever exist. It’s the poor man’s Raedon. But it doesn’t stop there, it was also released at least one other time on VHS and has an out of print DVD release!

By Dan Kinem



This is what’s so great about video. Who the hell wants to read a magazine when you can watch it? I, for one, love reading magazines, but I’m looking out for the Dabeedos out there (who physically can’t read). This was, plain and simple, a genius idea. It’s like taking Gorezone magazine and bringing it to life, and I can think of no better company than Gorgon Video/MPI to do so. If only it had gone on passed this tape…



Michael Berryman, of Hills Have Eyes fame, hosts this video smorgasbord that features everything from interviews, to short cartoons, to a performance by Gwar and their slaves. Starting it off right, Wes Craven graces us mere mortals with his presence. He comes across as very honest in this clip, too. He shares his opinions on the MPAA and how they have given all of his movies (except Serpent and the Rainbow) an X-rating upon first viewing and also talks about how his TV movie, Chiller, was screwed over at the last second and no one watched it. The interview takes place on the set of Shocker and shows some cool behind the scenes footage of him directing (which involves him remaining silent while other people do the work). You honestly can’t go wrong with a Wes Craven interview in the 80s, he was complete gold back then.

Next, KNB Efx is interviewed and they also talk about the MPAA and how most of their work doesn’t even end up on the screen. They even threaten the MPAA by saying they should be forced to watch Freddy’s Nightmares in hell, which is hilarious for so many reasons. KNB show off some of the effects currently being worked on, which is interesting to see. I think I even spied a Freddy Krueger effect (where Freddy morphs into someone else’s face), but they said it was “top secret.”

After that you get the fantastic Linnea Quigley talking about her work in film. If you claim to like horror movies and don’t like Linnea, get the fuck out. She is the ultimate scream queen and looks gorgeous in this video (and every video for that matter!). Her primary focus is on her Horror Workout tape and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. I could listen to her talk for days and she does a good job of making you love her, even if she does ramble on about moving to a farm to hoard tons of dogs or some bullshit.



Next was my main draw to this tape, which is the interview with Lloyd Kaufman and the look at past Troma films. Imagine my surprise when Lloyd shows up and has a beard! That was just the cherry on top of an already hilarious and interesting segment. I love any interviews he does, but for some reason, in this one he seemed to be talking even faster than his 1,000 words per minute norm. No matter what I think about the majority of Troma’s output (it sucks), you can’t help but love the story behind their studio and the way they run things. It was sad to see that, at this point, they had 30 full-time employees and now they have less than half that.



There’s a section that translates from magazines very well, and that’s the review. Rick Sullivan, of Gore Gazette magazine, hosts Rick’s Reviews, where he talks about the movies: Cameron’s Closet, Bad Taste, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, and Vicious. He rates movies out of four “skulls,” which is really amusing cheese. He says, “From now on you can see me in Gorgon Video.” Rick Sullivan was never seen or heard from again. RIP 1955-1989.

Gwar has a musical performance, as do the Gwar slaves, who honestly steal the show. They are hilarious and seem so fucked up on drugs they can barely think. One of them has the hilarious quote, “We have to watch them enjoy all this necrophobic butt sex and they won’t even let us have any!” I’ve never been huge on the band itself, but their stage performance must be seen. As Michael Berryman puts it, “It makes Alice Cooper look like Sesame Street!”



Throughout the entire video Michael Berryman comes across as a crazy mixture of Hulk Hogan and Freddy Krueger. He is constantly making weird faces and delivers each line with such exaggerated emotion it’s priceless. He drops corny jokes like, “One of my favorites was Attack of the Giant Leeches. Man, it’s so good it just sticks to ya. Sticks to ya.” He’s just a G and that’s all there is to it.



Gorgon Video has always been a fan favorite among horror connoisseurs. Few other companies specialized in horror/gore as well as they did. Their releases were always top notch and there’s a reason Gorgon was the company that released 2009’s House of the Devil… because they’re the best! This video magazine is just further proof that they actually cared about their releases and wanted to please and honor horror fans. The tape nowadays is very rare and commands a decent amount of cash online, but if you can find one for a solid price, do it. There actually was a second Gorgon Video Magazine, but sadly it was never officially released. There are screener copies, though, which I would kill for (if you have a VHS copy, bootleg or not, please let me know). You can find bootlegs of both of these in the horror circuit and online for download. I watched it (and uploaded it to YouTube below, along with the first one), and, while still entertaining, it’s too long and the guests weren’t as interesting this time around. There’s even more cheese to be found, though, especially with the Gore-Met Chef. I wish this had gone on every two months like they wanted, but I am just glad at least two of them were filmed and exist for our viewing pleasure.

Thanks to Devin Connors for the tape.

by Tim May

After the massive success of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Saban Entertainment quickly tried to expand their brand by producing new shows in a similar fashion; simply shoot cheap new footage and edit it around already existing action scenes from Japanese tokusatsu shows and you’ve got an instant new toy line to shove down the throats of American boys, ages 6-11.

Originally, VR Troopers, Saban’s first post-Power Rangers endeavor was called Cybertron, and was to star Jason David Frank, who had been popular as the green ranger in the classic “Green With Evil” arc in MMPR. A pilot presentation was produced with Frank in the lead, but his Power Rangers character Tommy Oliver had been proven too popular to give away to a new series, so he returned to his rightful home and went on to define that show into its second and third seasons. Clips from the Cybertron pilot (the entirety of which is online here) were still used to promote the VR Troopers in trailers that appear on some of the second and third wave Power Rangers VHS releases. Imagine the disappointment, expecting Tommy to star in his own new show, and when you watch it on TV, this block of wood shows up instead.

This is Ryan Steele, the main protagonist of VR Troopers. His father has been missing for a long time. Much like the Power Rangers, he and his friends Kaitlin Star (rogue reporter for Underground News Daily) and J.B. Reese (computer wiz) are martial arts instructors, and one day while hanging out after classes, they find a laboratory which is all but abandoned, aside from a floating digitized head on a computer monitor who happens to be Professor Horation Hart, a friend of Ryan’s father. Professor Hart informs him that that his father has been trapped in the “VR” (virtual reality) which is ruled by the evil Grimlord, who can transport himself into the real world and live as billionaire industrialist Karl Ziktor. Professor Hart offers Ryan, Kaitlin, and J.B. the power to battle Grimlord and his army of skugs (the equivalent of Rita Repulsa’s puddies in Power Rangers). Being the bland archetypes they are, they immediately accept, and the show begins its incredibly obvious formula:

1. Something goes wrong in the real world.

2. It is immediately assumed Grimlord is behind the problem, no matter how innocuous.

3. The VR Troopers battle one of Grimlord’s minions.

4. Repeat.

The episode featured on this tape, the series’ fifth, is “Lost Memories,” in which a woman wanders into the dojo Ryan works for claiming she has amnesia. Kaitlin aims to put her picture in the Underground News Daily and J.B. checks out the internet (in 1994—dork!). Meanwhile, Karl Ziktor is informed of this mysterious woman, who had apparently lived in one of his apartment buildings and whose memory may have been erased through his alter ego Grimlord’s virtual tampering. The actor who plays Ziktor seems to be doing an earnest impression of Dennis Hopper’s performance as King Koopa in the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie, but he soon transforms into stock footage.

The stock footage on this show is used somewhat more creatively than it was in Power Rangers, most of it appearing in the “virtual world,” while the majority of events in the real world is original material. Anyway, you can basically guess where this episode goes. Ryan is given a new “VR Trooper Bike” (all it’s ever called), and basically immediately crashes it, conveniently losing his own memory as well. J.B. and Kaitlin come to his rescue and return him to the lab, where Professor Hart will restore Ryan’s memory through virtual reality, however that works, and they must go defeat Grimlord’s goon Laserbot alone. J.B. defeats Laserbot with his awesome double-sided lightsaber (five years before Darth Maul!), and the woman from the beginning of the episode regains her memory by meeting her daughter via the story printed in Kaitlin’s paper.

There are two supporting characters of note. The first is Woody Stocker, Kaitlin’s editor at the paper, who seems like the lovechild of Richard Karn and Billy Mays.

Then there’s Jeb, Ryan’s dog who somehow gained the ability to talk after an accident in the first episode. On the back of the box you can see Jeb proclaiming, “Virtual reality is cool!” This is made even more ridiculous by Jeb’s even-worse-than-Christian-Slater Jack Nicholson impression.

Like most of Saban Home Entertainment’s VHS releases for their shows, “Lost Memories” includes an extra feature. Unfortunately, unlike Power Rangers, which would often feature cast interviews, this tape just includes a shitty music video for “Skugs,” a song by Ron Wasserman, the main musical force for Saban’s shows. Some of his work, like the Mighty Morhphin’ theme or “Go Green Ranger” is classic cheese, but songs like “Shape It Up, Bulk and Skull” and this one are nigh-unlistenable.

VR Troopers was trying to be a more “serious” show than Power Rangers, what with Ryan’s missing father and the older age of its protagonists. That’s kind of thrown out the window with the talking dog, though. Like all of Saban’s non-Power Rangers offerings (Masked Rider, Big Bad Beetleborgs, Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog), VR Troopers isn’t quite goofy enough to overcome its awfulness and become fun.

Though never released on DVD in America (three discs with scattered episodes were released in the UK), the entire series is available on Netflix.

By Dan Kinem



If you couldn’t tell by the bad ass cover, Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake is about a crazy half-frog/half-human monster and his regular-sized frog minions fiercely and furiously protecting a mountain of gold at the bottom of a lake. Sadly, few plot outlines have promised so much, yet delivered so little.



The movie focuses more on the boring lives of the characters rather than showing any frog action. Kelly, our male lead, is telling his girlfriend all about when he was 11-years-old and found a strange bone fragment, a fragment that could obviously only belong to some bizarre half-human/half-frog-like creature. Kelly was the king as a kid, and just like myself, he also drinks nonstop bottled Coke and stashes beef jerky chunks in the front of his overalls. But, unlike myself, his only friends are his pet skunks and a crazy hillbilly hermit named Charlie, who has the ability to talk to goats.



Charlie is the only one who believes Kelly when he thinks something fishy is going on in the lake, but little does Kelly know, Charlie is hiding a deep dark secret. Occasionally, the frog-man will pop out and kill, but it’s always so quick you can’t tell what the hell is going on. I kept hoping you would get some crazy long-frog-tongue carnage, but instead the monster chooses to kill with a spear. The only time you get any evidence that there’s even a monster doing the killing is when you see a green flipper under the murky water.

The movie focuses most of its energy on the bland story of Hermit vs. The Loggers. Charlie the Hermit will run around shooting at these loggers to try to get them to leave the woods, but all it does is piss them off. Around this point is where I started pulling a Tim (aka struggling to stay awake at 6 p.m.), but the possibility of maybe getting to see the monster kept my eyes open. Instead of the monster, all I got was real frogs, who would come out of the water to nibble and stare at people.



Finally, the legend of Shadow Lake is revealed: Years ago, a guy found a gold pebble and threw it into the lake. The water began to bubble and boil and Rana appeared at the surface and was super pissed off. He demanded more gold, so in order to appease the monster, the entire town threw all of its gold to the bottom of the lake. Now the monster lives every day of its life fearing someone will take the gold, while the decedents of the townsfolk (who call themselves “frog people”) give it more gold and feed it. Charlie is the last of these frog people left and continues to feed it, which all reminded me of that terrible movie, Lake Placid.

It does start to get good at the end, though, after one of the loggers shoots Charlie. Rana gets fucking ticked off and comes jetting out of the water and starts wrecking people. He blows through Kelly and his family’s front door, steals some chick, blows the entire house up, pounds some dude’s head into a tree, and disappears. Fast forward to the present day and Kelly has the genius idea to go looking for Rana’s gold. Big mistake. Of course, Rana is still alive and kicking and the second Kelly and his girlfriend find the gold, he comes chasing after them. Credits. So, after all of that, it leaves me asking the question: Why does a frog need gold?



Few movies have had so much potential, yet failed on every level. Rana was directed by one of the masters of the cheesy horror movie, Bill Rebane (Capture of Big Foot, The Giant Spider Invasion), but features too many boring side-plots to become so-bad-it’s-good. It does have some laugh-out-loud moments, however, like the use of “Swan Lake” during a shoot out near a lake. Talk about on the nose. And, of course, the plot itself, which is the one thing that makes me want to still recommend this boring, mess of a movie. It’s godawful, but I would still say it’s worth owning and watching at least once just to say you’ve seen a movie about a frog who loves gold.



The movie has had a bunch of different releases, most notably this big box release through Active Home Video and a clamshell through the Canadian distributor, Astral Video. The movie rights were later bought by Troma (no surprise) and the title was brilliantly changed to, Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell for DVD.

Someone also uploaded the whole movie to YouTube here.

I will be at both of these. HorrorHound I will be around all day Saturday the 24th and at Cinema Wasteland all day Saturday the 29th. If you want to buy a copy of Gore-Met Zombie Chef from Hell or Hellroller, look for the guy with the beard. I might also have some VHS for sale. Or if you want to give me some VHS, talk VHS, or buy me a drink, hit me up.

If you’re going to be at either, feel free to message me!

- Dan

By Dan Kinem



The Pog phenomenon is one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time. There’s no reason why tiny round cardboard discs should exist, let alone why they were one of the most popular children’s games of the 1990s. I mean, video games existed, yet somehow Pogs became popular — popular enough to have a 30-minute animated special based on them, too! Now don’t get it twisted, as much as I might make fun of the game, I adore Pogs. In fact, I still collect them and am continually on the hunt for those rare milkcaps that have managed to allude me all these years. But, regardless of all that, this special has about as much to do with Pogs as my refrigerator has to do with Pepsi. Zilch.



Right off the bat you get the feeling that this was originally intended to be the pilot for a show and due to the fact it was terrible, was passed off as a special. There’s even a theme song with the braindead lyrics, “Hawaiian slam-slam slammers!” and “Slammers of Darkness, Slammers of Light, when they come together they fight, fight, fight!”

The basic plot is very reminiscent of Pokemon, actually. There are five Slammers of Darkness and five Slammers of Light, and whoever finds them and spins them gets one of the immortal beings that are trapped in them as their servant. Whoever manages to capture them all becomes the ultimate ruler of Light and Dark.

For those who don’t know or were either too young or too old to know what a “slammer” is, it’s the Pog (sometimes made of metal, sometimes made of plastic) that you would throw at the other Pogs to make them bounce in the air and flip right side up. Only now, through explaining how to play Pogs, have I realized how fucking stupid it sounds.



You are immediately introduced to your villain, archaeologist Dr. Karl Von Fragman, when he is releasing his first Dark Slammer from its volcanic rock home. He wants to collect all of them in order to have world domination. I don’t know why the creator decided to give him a German accent and make him look like a leprechaun, but it adds to the bizarreness of the whole thing, that’s for sure. Our hero is a dorky white kid named Ronnie. He coincidentally discovers one of the Light Slammers after a healthy game of Pogs with his friends. When Fragman finds out, it becomes a battle between Light and Dark, good and bad. The battle to end all battles.



They decide to battle inside an active volcano, because that’s where the rest of the slammers are located. Ronnie almost pussies out, but decides, “If Indiana Jones can do it, I guess I can, too.” Mind you, I still haven’t seen every episode of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles yet, but I highly doubt there’s ever a time when Indy has to enter an active volcano to fight an evil leprechaun over some Pogs.

Ronnie wins. Good prevails. But just when you think it’s all wrapped up with a nice bow and all the Slammers are back where they belong, Ronnie finds his Light Slammer, proving that this was definitely left open-ended in case a show deal could be worked out. Lucky for us, all we get is this one 22-minute special that proves there can be a TV show about literally anything. I will tell you one thing, though, I’ll never look at Pogs the same way again.



Very little information is known about this special and I can’t even seem to find who directed or created it, not even in the credits. I do know Jeffrey Scott wrote it and he’s written 100s of different shows ranging from Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The tape was released by DIC Toon-Time Video. The fact this thing was even able to be released baffles me, but I guess kids would buy anything animated back then. I imagine this one isn’t a super common tape, but since no one on Earth wants it, you can get it very cheap. The VHS also featured a fun trailer for Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad.

Here’s the full 22 minutes for your asses!

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the flier for the first ever Horror VHS Collector’s Unite Convention! The event will be held on Saturday, May 19th, in Stroudsburg, PA. It will have people selling, trading, and talking VHS. There will even be a short film night which you can submit to via the website listed at the bottom.

If you care about the format at all, you will want to be at this. It’s going to be huge. We’d like to get over 200 people there at least, so make sure to reblog and tell your friends. VHShitfest is sponsoring and will be present with a table there hawking our merchandise. We will also be filming for our documentary, so if you want to be featured in our movie, you better make it out to this event. It only costs $7 to get in and $20 for a table. That’s an insanely low cost!

Mark your calenders! This will be amazing.

For more information visit ShermanTheater.com

By Dan Kinem



What do you get when you mix three teen TV stars: Scott Baio (Happy Days, Charles in Charge), Willie Aames (Eight is Enough), and Felice Schachter (Facts of Life), with weed, alcohol, telekinesis, and horniness? You get Zapped!, one of the most fun teen sex comedies of all-time!



Barney (Baio) is a geek who has never had any luck with the ladies. He is the school’s leading scientist who experiments with mice in mini underwater diving suits and grows flowers for his principal. He’s never even be concerned with the females, but with prom quickly approaching, he must nab a babe or else his parents and friend will die of embarrassment. His best friend is Peyton (Aames), who can get any girl in the school, except for the one he truly wants, the currently-in-a-relationship, ridiculously attractive cheerleader, Jane (Heather Thomas, two years prior to her cocaine addiction). There’s also their baseball coach (who isn’t allowed to eat salami because his devil wife thinks it causes cancer), brilliantly played by Scatman Crothers, and Bernadette (Schachter), a girl who obviously has the hots for Barney.



One day, while Barney is experimenting with his mice, Scatman comes in and spills some weed juice into Barney’s potion, then Peyton comes in and dumps some alcohol in there. Somehow, whatever this potion is + weed + alcohol = telekinesis juice, because not only does a mouse get the ability to move stuff with his mind, but when Barney clumsily knocks the beaker off the table, he becomes infected as well. Zany hijinks ensue. The End.



Just kidding. That review could easily suffice if this were any other movie but Zapped!, because Zapped! takes zany hijinks to otherworldly levels of zaniness once believed not achievable. Think Porky’s II: The Next Day, Screwballs, a little bit of The Three Stooges, and you mix it all up with the final ingredient… Lloyd Kaufman’s brain. That’s Zapped! in a taco shell.

The second he realizes he has telekinesis, Barney goes around making ventriloquist dummies hump his mother’s leg, getting boners in class after he rips a girl’s blouse off, rigging baseball games so he hits homers, and making his father toss prune juice in his own face. It’s what Alex Mack would have done had she been a dude and a couple years older.



One of the film’s best zany moments happens when Barney is laying around making some weird half-Millennium Falcon, half-Enterprise toy fly through a fish tank. Now, the scene would have been cool enough, but this film takes it to the next level, having Spock and Kirk appear inside the toy and fly right into Barney’s dog’s mouth (watch the video below and be amazed).



The movie’s greatest scene, though, is easily when Barney burns all of his weed and the smoke engulfs Scatman. Scat’ begins hallucinating that he is riding bikes with Albert Einstein, then his wife comes riding behind them on four black stallions; She pulls out a rocket launcher that shoots salamis at him. It’s pure zany brilliance.



Throughout the film, Bernadette and Barney realize they are perfect for one another, but that’s only if Barney will stop using his powers for bad. Peyton keeps getting him into all kinds of sticky situations, whether it’s trying to get Jane to date him or to gamble against Jane’s boyfriend, nothing goes right for them. Bern’ does give up the snatch when Barney works his magic. No, by “magic” I don’t mean his smooth moves, I mean his actual magic. He moves both Bernadette and a bed into the lab and they do it on top of the experimenting table. He even uses his mind to make her remove her own top!

When it finally comes time to go to prom, Barney’s mom attempts to have an exorcism on him (ZAY-NEEE), which causes him to be late to the prom, but when he gets there all hell breaks loose. Peyton is about to get his ass beat by Jane’s boyfriend, so Barney steps in by causing a tornado to rip everyone at prom’s clothes off. It’s insane. Everyone is naked, flying around, bouncing off the walls. It’s hilarity defined. It also finals unveils Jane’s glorious rack. Sadly, after watching the film, I realized that was a body double’s titties and not Heather Thomas’. I am now dead inside.



If that wasn’t crazy enough, the film ends with a twist. During the tornado, Barney gets hit by a fire hose nozzle, this knocks him unconscious and when he wakes up he can’t move anything with his mind. That doesn’t last long, though, because one minute later him and Bernadette are literally flying through the air like Superman. Credits.



I cannot tell you how fucking amazing this movie is. It has everything you’d ever want. There’s tits, Scott Baio, and hijinks. The music is also top-notch 80s cheese. The film was directed by Robert Rosenthal, who sadly only worked on a few movies, all of which look amazing (Malibu Beach, which he directed, and The Van, which he wrote, are both on my “Must Watch” list now). There was a sequel that came out in 1990 called Zapped Again! It does use some of the same characters, like the teachers at the school, but all the kids are new. I know I own a copy, so when I find that, look out for a review! If it’s even half as good as this movie, it’ll be a blast. Do not sleep on this cult classic, it truly deserves to be seen by everyone.

The film was released through Embassy Home Entertainment, who was one of the most popular companies of the 1980s, releasing everything from Slumber Party Massacre to Blade Runner. Most of their tapes were put out in slipcases, but they also released a small number of clamshells, which are now highly coveted and seem to be strangely harder to find than they should be (like Humongous, Escape from New York, and Swamp Thing). In fact, I don’t even know all of the movies released in a clamshell. I do know that Zapped! was the fourth one put out and is the best release there is for the film. There was a DVD release, but it is utter trash and features a hideous cover with no special features. If you can find this tape, snatch it up instantly.

The full movie has been uploaded to YouTube, but I doubt it will be on there very long, so act quickly.

by Tim May

The opening credits of Herb Robins’s The Worm Eaters set the tone for the film which follows. Names appear over crude illustrations of worms acting like humans—eating dinner, prancing around in the sun and whatnot. This is all set to an obnoxious song which endlessly chants, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms!” Ugh. This was going to be one of those movies. Those movies that try way too hard to be funny, and in the process, aren’t funny at all, intentionally or unintentionally.

The film follows a German immigrant named Umgar (portrayed by Robins himself), who runs a “restaurant” by a lake in some faceless American small town. After three fishermen disappear, the mayor and his cronies want to eliminate the lake and surrounding area and build some attraction which will bring outside business to the town. The only problem: Umgar won’t give up his deed.

One of the town’s local business owners calmly explains everyone’s concerns during a town meeting in this scene:

Little does the mayor know that Umgar also has the ability to communicate with worms. When this is first revealed, Umgar practically makes love to his bucket of worms before feeding them with what looks like baking soda. Soon after this, a mysterious woman named Heidi, with an accent which can only be described as vaguely European, arrives at Umgar’s home, seemingly in an attempt to seduce him, for whatever reason.

Now, this Heidi character was already pretty annoying, but when she discovers Umgar’s bucket of worms, she crosses an unforgivable line.  In her hysterical outburst caused by the sight of Umgar’s budding worm colony, Heidi proclaims, “It looks like Chinese food! I HATE CHINESE FOOD!” Are you kidding me? Chinese food is absolutely delicious.

It was hard to go on after the movie reminded me there are people in this world who don’t like Chinese food. After that soul crushing fact left me in tears and questioning all reasons to go on living, I looked back up at the TV and saw that all the townspeople were unhappy with Umgar’s selection of food, as his was the only restaurant which had resisted the mayor’s plan. A bunch of girls come by and give Umgar unending shit because he doesn’t serve hot dogs. They claim he should just get out of the country if he’s not willing to serve “our” food. Xenophobic bitches.

Now, around this time, I was really craving some General Tso’s Chicken and white rice, but I knew I’d never finish the movie if I left to go eat, so I sucked down some Coke and returned my attention to the screen. At this point, the three fishermen from the beginning of the film appear to Umgar. Umgar and the rest of the town had presumed them to be dead, but one of them helpfully explains that they now simply “reside under the red tide.” They are “not worm, nor man (when they appear in physical form, it is quite clear they are both worm and man).” Apparently, the fishermen’s newfound underwater non-worm/non-man existence is lacking in one area: worm/man pussy. They recruit Umgar to find them three suitable mates in the next three days.

In some combination of motivations, either revenge or fear of the fishermen, Umgar begins feeding everyone in the town worms, which now magically turn them into half men/half worms. Soon, the film devolves into chaos with most of the cast turning into some form of worm creature. At some point in there, Umgar kidnapped one of those hot dog girls and the whole land plot got lost in there somewhere.

This movie was “presented” by Ted V. Mikels, the director of the popular film The Astro-Zombies. I’ve sadly not seen any of his work, but I hope none of it is as inept and as unfunny as The Worm Eaters. The VHS we have was released in a clamshell by World Video Pictures, the company famous for releasing Slegehammer, as well as Attack of the Beast Creatures, Criminally Insane, and Big Foot. Their covers are universally great, even this one, with its vintage MAD Magazine vibe. There are only two problems with this cover: its claim to be a “comedy” (nice try) and its even more ridiculous tagline, “An Immortal Film of Our Time.” I think the caliber of humor on display in the latter handily disproves the validity of the former.

Besides World Video, the movie managed to get at least two other VHS slipcase releases. It also was released a couple times on DVD, both with the same cover as the VHS. If you somehow managed to actually enjoy this movie, then the DVD is worth picking up because it has a commentary with Ted V. Mikels. But if you are sane, then wanting special features to go along with this movie didn’t even cross your mind.

by Tim May

Biohazard is pretty obvious in its badness. Yes, it’s sometimes very funny, but all of its big moments feel trite, recycled from every movie you’ve ever seen on Mystery Science Theater. I know it seems ridiculous to complain about unoriginal flaws, but when you watch a lot of this kind of stuff, a bad line reading or shitty creature effect just doesn’t cut it anymore.

That’s not to say there are no joys to be found in Biohazard. It has a familiar set up: a group of government officials stop by a laboratory in the middle of nowhere to observe a “Psychic Materialization” demonstration, led by a typical self-righteous scientist and his “psychic” assistant named Lisa Martyn.  The demonstration opens a door to another universe and Lisa accidentally brings some sort of canister back into the lab. The General (played by Aldo Ray in a thankless bit part), against the all of the self-righteous scientist’s protests, insists on taking the canister with him to be studied back in Washington or wherever he’s going.  On the way back, the canister unsurprisingly is revealed to contain some sort of reptilian creature, which quickly kills one of the men and runs off into the big wide world.

Reagor, one of the military types who had come along, is put in charge of the search for the creature, so obviously the first thing he does is try to fuck Ms. Martyn.

Much of the rest of the film is a lot of typical slasher material with the creature picking off victims in the most obvious situations. One is offed right before he intends to fuck his girlfriend. Many of the rest of the victims are bums, one of whom marvels at an E.T. poster he found in the dumpster he calls home. How cute.

Biohazard redeems much of its blandness in its last couple minutes, however. After Reagor defeats the creature (he electrocutes him or something), he returns to Lisa, clearly expecting to be “rewarded.” Little did he know that she is also one of the extra-dimensional creatures! Reagor actually takes this information in stride, basically with a shrug. Hard as fuck. Reagor shrugs in the face of certain death.

Reagor’s blasé dismissal of this shocking twist provides Biohazard with its rather abrupt ending, but wait! Don’t forget to stick through the credits so you can watch over ten minutes of completely unfunny bloopers set to an impossibly long rockabilly song! Hey, Fred Olen Ray! You’re not Jackie Chan. Nobody is interested in seeing outtakes from your movie, especially Aldo Ray looking embarrassed or awkward sex scene gaffs. Stop trying to extend the runtime of your terrible movie!

Speaking of Fred Olen Ray, Biohazard is one of many “cult classics” under his belt, including Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Bad Girls from Mars. These days he seems to focus of making wank material for people too embarrassed to watch porn. Biohazard was released in a big box by Continental Video, who also released Nightmare and Tilt, among many other titles. It got at least one later cheap slipcase release, and was also released on DVD in 2003 with hideous cover art.

Biohazard may actually be hilarious, but after watching so many films just like it, it left me wanting more. Movies like this should aspire to the highest heights of badness, not settle for all the same old tricks.

OH SHIIIIITTTT! VHShitfest was on MTV’s Cribs! “But MTV’s Cribs hasn’t been relevant since 2004…” Does it look like we care?! You know how it’s done!! Check out the ‘Shitfest palace and reblog/comment the shit out of this!

by Tim May

Allan Arkush’s 1978 Roger Corman-produced, P.J. Soles-starring, Ramones-featuring teenage rebellion movie Rock ‘n’ Roll High School has long been one of my favorites, and I’ve long been curious about its latter day Corey Feldman-starring sequel, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The sequel picks up many years after the events of the first film, the end of which, you’ll recall, featured the students declaring their school “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” and blowing it up. Now, on the anniversary of the explosion, the students at the now rebuilt and renamed Ronald Reagan High celebrate “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day,” when they can do whatever they want, without (at least in their eyes) any fear of punishment. Jesse Davis, played by God himself, Corey Feldman, seems to be the leader of these rabble rousers.

Jesse and his friends are in a band called the Eradicators, who, like all the hottest bands of the early ‘90s, mostly play covers of ‘50s rock ‘n’ roll standards. Songs like “I’m Walkin’” are simply too dangerous for the “yuppettes” of the school, who plan all the school dances which the Eradicators want to play.

Meanwhile, the school’s principal, as evidenced by the events of Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day, in which the students flooded the bathrooms, is unable to handle the disciplinarian part of his job, so the district brings in someone new- Doctor Vadar, played by Mary Waronov, who you may recall played the new disciplinarian Evelyn Togar in the original film. I’m not sure why they changed her character’s name, other than to provide us with a pretty hacky Star Wars joke. She was one of the funniest things about the first movie; she’s nearly insufferable here. I can’t really say why and I don’t fault Waronov, since it’s a pretty similar performance, but I think a little of her character (whatever name you choose) goes a long way.

After ruining a school dance by playing the Satanic “Tutti Frutti” and starting a food fight, Vadar bans the Eradicators from ever playing on school grounds again. With his bandmates Jones, Mag, Stella, and Asian stereotype Namrock, Jessie goes to the boys’ bathroom to seek help from the legendary Eaglebauer, a character who you may remember being Clint Howard in the first film. That’s right—even Clint Howard thought he was above Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The Eradicators and the new Eaglebauer (who’s now transformed into drunk Michael Keaton) hatch a plan to make sure they get to play the prom, no matter what Vadar or the dreaded Yuppettes may want. Once they get in, they hatch another plan to seduce Vadar and shoot video of her and a student in an intimate situation, so that they can broadcast it to the whole school during their prom performance. The seduction and subsequent sex scene is incredibly unfunny and awkward.

When Vadar is revealed as the apparent pederast she is, she goes insane, twitching like a maniac, hopping in her car and driving it right through the Eradicators’ stage and into the school. Jessie and his boys line much of the school with gasoline, Vadar crashes, and the school blows up, just like it did in the first movie—exactly like it did, actually, stock footage and all.

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever also features many subplots which go nowhere, including a riff on the first movie where Jessie and the gang are trying to win tickets to a concert, but this time, instead of the Ramones, it’s Canadian power pop non-luminaries The Pursuit of Happiness, who also composed the film’s decent, if unremarkable theme song. Jessie also has the hots for the substitute music teacher, played by Sarah Buxton. There’s a strange sequence in which Mojo Nixon, of all people, plays the “Spirit of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” and sings a forgettable song to Jessie about continuing the spirit of rock or whatever.

On its own, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever is a decent teen romp, but it pales in comparison pure chaos and farce of Riff Randell’s adventures with the Ramones.

The movie was released on VHS in a slipcase by Live Entertainment, which put out a wide variety of movies and were perhaps most notable for being Family Home Entertainment’s primary distributor. The film was released on DVD in a double feature with a fellow obscure Corey Feldman movie called South Beach Academy.

by Tim May

We’ve got a rare one for you today, folks! The obscure romantic dramedy Jerry Maguire is another overlooked film by generally overlooked filmmaker Cameron Crowe, whose other movies include the forgotten teen film Say Anything and the unfairly hated Almost Famous. He finally scored a massive hit last year with We Bought a Zoo, a film which will penetrate our culture for years to come.

Jerry Maguire stars Tom Cruise, the cult actor from Top Gun, as a sports agent who’s had it with all the dishonesty which comes with that seedy profession and writes a manifesto, in which he proposes a complete overhaul of the way his firm operates. This bit of hubris leads to his firing, but not before a lemonfaced single mother named Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger) basically falls in love with him and his philosophy. When Jerry asks everyone in his office if anyone wants to come with him and form the ideal sports agency, only she accepts.

Jerry has other supporters, however. Rod (Cuba Gooding, Jr., whose career went nowhere but up after this film) is a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals who wasn’t happy with the contract he had at Jerry’s old firm, so he decides to give Jerry’s new way of doing things a shot. He’s having trouble getting more clients, sadly, and on top of that, his fiancé Avery breaks up with him. You can see where this is going.

Jerry Maguire is ultimately a redemptive film. Jerry’s guilt over his industry’s shady dealings is healed by not only his articulation of all these problems in his manifesto, but also by his newfound love with Dorothy, his new friendship with Rod, and his new role as a father figure for Dorothy’s annoying kid.

This also a movie with a lot of would-be classic dialogue, if anybody had embraced it. Come on, America! “Show me the money!” “You complete me.” “You had me at ‘hello.’” Adopt these lines and run them into the ground in inappropriate everyday usage and hacky parody until they’re no longer effective in their original context! It’s what you do best.

There’s a lot to recommend about Jerry Maguire. It’s not as strong as Almost Famous or Say Anything, but it’s a good movie. I would recommend checking it out, but you’ll have a lot of trouble finding it. You can’t just go into any old thrift store and find thirty or forty copies all over the floor. This ain’t Tales from the Quadead Zone, bitch. Be jealous.

The VHS was released by Columbia Tri-Star Home Video, who also released many rare titles like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Men in Black.